In the lap of the gods

Life continues at its usual intensity.. my ‘one hell of a year’ is surely coming to a close soon (actually my one hell of 2 years)!  I finished my maternity cover contract the week before last and am now officially unemployed.  I think gratefully so however, it has given me the chance to focus on getting another job properly, go for interviews as well as complete the last assignment for my college course.  Exams are next week so I have the next week to cram for them!  At least all my interviews are done now – I’ve attended 4 in 3 days!  So tomorrow is decision day – either I get the permanent job at another hotel that I really want or if not I accept a contract job in London with an ex-colleague (well actually the original man that screwed me up although that’s long dead and buried!)  It’s lots of money but isn’t doing what I want to do and will entail a 2 hr travel every day on the train – it will be a slog but for 6 months I figured I can handle it.  At least it will repair the divorce damaged coffers!

On the man front.. well same old, same old!  After breaking up with Simon about a month ago, we still had tickets to a show and he wanted to go.  I was so well behaved – I was very proud of myself, but his wandering hands put paid to my will-power.  It’s like nothing has changed, he treats me exactly the same as when we were together and yet I know he doesn’t really properly care about me.  He ended up staying the night.  I can’t complain really – it was a great night but I guess ultimately it demeans me – of course I haven’t heard from his since.  So now the choice is, do I allow the friends with benefits thing ride knowing that its just great sex.  Or do I ignore his next call or text – assuming there is one.  There may not be, on reflection I think he wont be that happy with what happened – even though it was he who pushed for it – I was just shit at resisting (what’s new!)… its much harder when there’s no real reason not to be with the person -  no partner, no wife, no kids… and you are being told how attractive and intoxicating you are – these are nice things to hear!

I was reading snippets from relationship books on Amazon last night – which suggest that I’ve got it all wrong on the relationship front – sleeping with men too early, them not having to chase (goes against nature apparently!), and being too accomodating – basically too nice and agreeable.  Crazy world – who wants to be a bitch!  I miss him though – I miss ‘us’ – I found him very calming and comforting to be with – ironically I felt safe with him, and actually still do – he gives the most fantastic hugs - but lets face it I have less than the finest judgement when it comes to relationships!

So with the urge to call him or text him tonight hovering, I figured it was blog time.  With all the great friends I have there’s no reason to feel that gap – but of course I do. C’est la vie.

Tomorrow is a new day – and I’ve no idea which way the cookie will crumble.

Eat, pray, love

I’m sure it would have been a superb book to read but after several friends recommending it, the movie jumped into my hand in the rental shop.   What a timely film.  I’ve had no time to read books to heal me lately and this little piece of therapy was very welcome.  It’s so easy to get pulled into all the intricate details of your life and lose sight that it is a journey we must travel.  Liz is right - we must view the people in our lives as teachers from which we learn, but there’s always some pain attached to those lessons – how else would we take the time out to take on board those learnings I guess. 

I look back at my own relationships and see my learnings; that you can’t fix other people, they have to fix themselves, that love doesnt pay attention to labels or circumstance and will many times be given without reciprocation,  that gentleness and a quiet understanding is an essential component of a relationship to me and that I’m not in the right place to find love right now.  This last thought makes me very sad.  I dont want to be alone, and yet having that very thought is the reason I’m not in the right place.  It seems I must give up everything that gives me a sense of security before progress is made.  I think perhaps my journey is to find that security within myself and learn how to call upon it when needed - not have it provided by a job or a man, or familiar surroundings.  I feel I’m most of the way through the challenges so far this year – but don’t quite feel ready to face this next one.  I have learned that there’s no such thing as ready though.  To quote Julia Roberts in another film “I’m a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal”

Til next time   x

Emotional self sufficiency

I’m sat here musing on the anxiety that is arising in me at the prospect of the next 5 days, at home, alone, with very few social plans for a long bank holiday weekend.  This is a deliberate(ish) state of affairs based on the fact that I have the last assignment of my course due in on Tuesday and I only started collecting the data for it this week and thus badly behind.  However this self-imposed solitude causes me to feel a level of frustration and anxiety of which I struggle to identify how much is related to the intense dislike of having to do an assignment especially on what will be a beautiful weekend, how much is down to the fear of being alone and how much is general tension at what I suspect may be a slightly elongated period of isolation coming up.  I have no job after next Thursday and although there are enough opportunities in the pipeline, for a while at least, I won’t have anywhere to ‘belong’.  Having split up with the boyfriend and finding myself single again I feel I have no job to belong to, and no man to belong to.  The only comfort that remains is my garden – it will always have me whenever I have the time!

Do other people have this drive to have somewhere to ‘be’, or is it just me.  Is this something I have to get over before I can find a relationship which will actually work?  I dont think of myself as the clingy type, but perhaps I am.  Life has been so full of uncertainty lately that I do have rather a desperate need to get something to pin myself on.  Some security.  Yes that is what it is – security.  Something I can count on being the same for a while, that won’t let me down, end, or lose interest at the point I start to rely on it! 

I probably have 4 more weeks of uncertainty and isolation to navigate – until my exams are out the way and hopefully I have a new job lined up.  If only that would fall into place I might, just might, manage to enjoy having some time to suit myself without a whole bunch of worries! 

Thanks for listening bloggie!

Sun 10th April – Another man & more pain

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out….. Every morning, I wake up, I think of him, I think of his beautiful eyes, delicate eyelashes and his face that I want to stroke, his lips searching mine for a kiss – sleepy at first. I think of how he felt laying next to me, entwined, fitting perfectly into the curves of my body. His warmth, his smell and the tenderness of his touch. I think of how he held me, so gently, how he touched… stroking my body, exploring, I felt like liquid chocolate – smooth and at peace.

I wonder if he’s sure yet, if he has adequately analysed us and still finds me wanting, or if my quiet gentle love counts for anything in his psyche. Will time make the heart grow fonder, or will it be a vehicle to forget.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out… I am short of breath at the pain of not having, not knowing.

Conversing with myself – the therapy variety

Dear Nathan (yes I’ll stick to my alibi name)

I’m sorry I told you how I feel today….. actually, no I’m not sorry, it’s the truth, I wake up thinking about you, I go to sleep thinking about you and in between, I mostly think about you too.  I’ve tried keeping busy, I’ve tried going out, I’ve tried just being your friend, I’ve tried eating lots, I’ve tried exercising lots…. in fact I dont have anything left to try… the only thing that worked was not talking to you… and then it only worked cos I had someone else to talk to.

So here we are… I’ve tried to make it easier for you… and I know your preference is to avoid the conversation completely…so I made you a multiple choice:

Dear K - (that’s me) 

1) I think you are an amazing person and the best friend I ever had, but that’s all there is to it – I don’t love you like that and I have responsibilities now

2) How can you feel like that, I thought we were just friends…. before, well that was just a bit of fun

3) I love you, I want to be with you but I can’t be because of… well you know why

4) I can’t think about this ….. that alone presents me with all sorts of problems.

hmmm… let me see, i’m thinking denial, path of least resistence.   Yes well done! Its Number 4!  Fabulous… great… glad to see we made some progress there.

So I say… don’t be so nice to me, don’t contact me every day because to me, that’s confusing – that says “I care a lot about you – and even though I can’t be with you,  I want to be” – do you know what, actually it would be easier for me if you were disinterested, and didn’t contact me because you know…. then you’d be like every other person. 

Please don’t love me if you dont love me

There, good, I’m glad we got that cleared up…. I might actually be able to concentrate on my work now.

22 miles and an Alchemist

On the 15th September, after I decided to split up from the husband, I agreed to do an event for charity that involved swimming the equivalent distance as across the English Channel (22 miles) .. not all at once, but by the 5th December.  That meant swimming around 2 miles per week for 11 weeks in order to get done in time.  Well I’m pleased to report that I have one week left and am down to the last 2 miles.  I had a bit of catching up to do so had to swim 3 miles this week.  I’m quite chuffed with myself actually.  Although I used to swim a bit years ago, probably only .75 of a mile each week and I haven’t done anything like as much as that even in the last 8 years.  I have raised a bit, about £150 for Aspire, a spinal injuries charity – so a good cause.   I have largely enjoyed the swimming and will keep it up to a degree I think.  I am very much looking forward to getting back to the yoga, pilates and gym however – despite improved arms and legs I have to confess that the tum has gone a little to pot due to neglect (nothing to do with excessive quantities of chocolate consumption at all!!)

I was reminded to take another flick through the inspiring book ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho this week.  I must read it from the beginning again.  When life gets tough these books help to get me through.  It was recommended to me some time ago by Nathan, funny that I am now applying its wisdoms to sitations and feelings related to him!

Don’t think about what you’ve left behind.

“Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place.”

“The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better.”

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are”

I recommend reading the book for anyone who is uncertain of their life path, at a cross roads or who has just lost their way…  it will help calm you and give you resolve for the challenges you face.

The 22 miles has been the easy part of the recent challenges for me!

A world of confusion

Yes you guessed it, I have no one I can talk to about this right now, and so once again my bleeding heart outlet is the big black space that is the internet.

So now I’m all alone and am not answerable to anyone else’s agenda (kinda nice I have to say) but this means I have more time and headspace which is currently (ok has been for ages) filled with thoughts of Nathan.  I’m so confused.  I don’t know what to do.  I think I love him but then think that perhaps its just that he is giving me the attention I crave.  Other people can ask me how I am and I can answer them relatively calmly.  He asks me and almost without exception, I burst into tears.  The fact that he cares enough to ask every day and then probe deeper, properly listening to what I say, says all that my heart needs to hear.  I have tried to wrap the logic around it instead - but it  just doesn’t work.  I can tell myself that he has responsibilities, that I have no place in loving him, that he is someone else’s, that he’s bad for me and there’s no future in it.  And yet I am powerless over my feelings.  The heart says… “nah…don’t buy it”. 

But even if he has such feelings for me, what use are they unexpressed?

That’s not strictly true of course.. they are of use.  I know that I have someone out there who backs me 100%, who will listen to my woes and help solve them, who will prop up my confidence when I’m low and who will let me in to share their insecurities  and allow me to be that friend back.  But we don’t get to share in the fun times together much. 

I feel a connection to him which is almost physical at times, and I think he feels it too.  I think we both notice when that connection releases, I can almost feel when he is emotionally elsewhere.  I feel hollow, bereft, anxious…. very not nice.

I want to ask him… how do you really feel about me… but I can’t can I – it’s not fair to at all.  I might as well say “come on – acknowledge to me really clearly that you dont’ love her and that you love me”.. in fact he’s said lots of times that he doesn’t love her, he just never said that he loves me instead… it sounds so facile when typed, like something a school-girl gets hung up on.  Ridiculous – I know life is not that simple!

He asked why I’m anxious and mis-interpreted my answer on the phone tonight – he thought I was referring to my Uni course, but I think the crux really is that I’m now single, and feeling vulnerable with it and I want him.  I want his protection, his care and support, his attention and I want it in person and yet I know I can’t have it.  He has a 6 week old baby for christ’s sake!  What kind of woman does that make me!

I care so much for him, that actually I just want his happiness.  If he said to me “K leave me, I will be happier without you around” I could do it and it wouldnt be that hard, because he asked me to do it.  I would walk over hot coals if it would make him smile.

My only alternative is to walk away from him entirely – hmmm oh yeah – I tried that once already and he came back for me!

We are meeting for lunch on Wednesday for a few hours.  I haven’t seen him since 2 weeks before bubba was born.  He has to shop for his gf’s birthday present too… not sure I really want to be involved in that!  He said that getting the right gift was make or break.  How can that be!  I dont think I’ve ever felt that a gift made the difference between staying together or not! 

What a mess things are, and what a mess my emotions are in.  One thing is for sure, I still have a large bucket of tears which can spring at any moment of any day.  Maybe that will just put him off me… the miserable girl who cries at the drop of a hat!

End of an era & new beginnings

It’s been an emotional marathon, but I think maybe today I finished the hardest race.  Today was the day that husband moved out in return for a large cheque.  The divorce papers are all submitted, the fianance agreement signed, so now its just a case of the legals running their course.  It’s been hard for both of us, but we both did a reasonable job of not getting too emotional in front of each other most of the time.  I took the day (well actually the next week off work) to help him get the large stuff out and to re-organise my things so that it feels like my place now.  It needs to be different.  The last run was tough though.  Trying not to get upset and stay practically focussed, and yet feeling that he is basically a good man with a good heart, just too much of a ‘taker’.  Very sad.  Divorce is not fun.  I’d kind of like to get to a place where I don’t need to cry anymore.

Nathan called to check on me after.  I wish I could go to him and just curl into him and feel safe and loved – but I can’t.  I still have that dilemma to work on, but I’m too tired and beat-up to do any more hard stuff for a bit.  Do I really love him, am I fooling myself because I can’t have him and would I want him if I had the choice.  I don’t know.  Not sure I trust my instincts in relationships at all anymore.

But I know that I’m glad he called, his voice alone soothes me.  I dont know where he’s at and don’t feel it is my right to ask, but I think maybe he’s struggling a little.  Mentioned that he’d been thinking a lot today, some about work but some about other stuff.. he didn’t specify.  Perhaps hoping its about me is just arrogance. 

Well its late now and has been a pretty exhausting day, so off to bed shortly.  I’d really like to wake up feeling positive about all the options I have now and in the future, knowing that I must make me take advantage of them, and that spending all my time thinking about Nathan is detrimental to my wellbeing.

Here’s to Chapter 3, and hopefully a brand new ‘me’

The Universe – Just Testing?

This year has been one hell of a journey.. I’ve had redundancy, a new job, affairs and breakups, pregnancy news, the death of my lovely dog, and on-going friendship which doesn’t quite fit in a tick box and impending divorce.  Why is it that you go through so much soul-searching, emotional upset and deliberation and finally get to an answer only for the goal posts to get moved a few weeks or months later? 

I am a great believer in the ‘Universe’ in terms of that it provides what you need – the good and the bad (heck what does that say about me!) but today it dished out a good’un.  So here I am divorcing my husband, largely because he has no money – or at least that is why it would appear to be at a superficial level.  He has massive debts and I have spent too many years paying most of his living costs, I’ve been unhappy at how he has failed to deal with his problems and could see nothing positive in the future.  I am seeing a solicitor this week to draw up financial agreements for our divorce. 

So…. husband rings me tonight to say it looks like he is going to be offered a full time job earning the same as I do + expenses.  After he has been faffing around for nearly 2 years earning bits and bobs here and there! 

What is that all about.  Is that a ‘just testing’ you thing?  I can hear the universe saying  
“… so then… do you REALLY want to divorce him… don’t you LOVE him just a bit?……you know you are lonely ALREADY”
ARGGGHHHHHH – it has taken me swimming nearly a mile this evening to determine that actually I probably still need to split from him.  Cos nothing else has changed.  He still won’t take responsibility for anything, still won’t prioritise what he spends on any better, will still expect me to run around non stop after him and I will still probably end up paying for most of the routine bills! 

So I plan to proceed… but it brought home to me (again) how sad it is that it hasn’t worked out how I or he wanted.  I had such high hopes for us when we married, I knew there would be moutains to climb.  I just hadn’t counted on him refusing to put his boots on – so we never left base camp in reality.

Am also struggling with Nathan.  He is doing fabulously – has taken to fatherhood so well and is loving it.  I’m so pleased that he is happy and contented.  He still makes sure he contacts me every day (usually multiple times a day).  To me that is our normal.  But others tell me that means he cares a lot for me.  But how can I be in this place.  I think I will have to move on at some point – or risk being the emotionally needy person who never gets enough.  I’m not going to be able to move on and find my own happiness if I’m always leaning on him. 
Even if he does want me – I can’t see that happening for years, if at all.  He intends and wants to be a good father to his son, I know he wont be able to leave that set-up and nor would I think much of him if he did.  … which leaves me rather stuck.  My best friend, rock, some time ago lover and the man I need….
Friends (with pain) …or - nothing? 
… what a stunning choice!

On days like today, I just want 10 minutes of him, with no rules or ‘rights & wrongs’ - just to get some comfort away from it all… <sigh>

Absolutely Seething (27th Sept)

As this seems to be the last outpost for freedom of speech, it is one that I must now rely upon to relieve my extreme anger.  I am absolutely seething. But to explain I shall have to rewind a little.  Nathan called me this morning to say that his partner’s waters had broken at midnight last night, that they’d had a few hospital trips to and fro – being told to come back later when her contractions were closer together/stronger etc and then later today he called just briefly to say that after a bit of drama and a resultant c-section all was well and his baby was born – both partner and baby doing well.  All great news – and a relief for me as I was worried about how he’d cope with any further problems! 
My sister in law, who I would have considered my best friend at one point, has now elected to send him a message via facebook as she put 2 & 2 together about the birth. She said he should have the balls to cut contact with me and get on with the business of being a father.  That is putting it mildly and succinctly.  She seems to be under the impression I’m still sleeping with him – I’m not and I haven’t in some months now which if she gave a FIG about how I was then perhaps she would have contacted me over the last few months to ask!

I have a few guiding principles in my life:

- People make their own choices & must be allowed to make their own choices
- Guide, advise but don’t impose – doing so won’t help someone a jot – people must make and learn from their own mistakes
- Be honest about your feelings for someone

I cannot believe she has taken it upon herself to meddle.  She has zero right to do so in my book.  I know that what happened between us was ‘wrong’ but from my perspective, I have given him the choice.  I walked away from him and he came back.  I’m not sleeping with him and haven’t done since the spring, and I have asked only for friendship since, which has has chosen to give freely.  I have no desire to come between him, his partner and child.  None.  I love him and just want him to be happy, in whatever form that comes.  Of course that hurts sometimes, and yes the time may come when I may choose a different path myself.  But for now, I think the only criticism that anyone could level is that I have too much contact with him.  Best friends do though don’t they?  Or am I kidding myself?
I thought just for a moment this might be an elaborate ruse by Nathan to remove me from his circle, that maybe he felt I was a threat to his relationship with his son.  But I am 99.9% certain that is not the case.  He knows that all he would have to say is “my feelings have changed and I want to focus 100% on my family” and I would of course be extremely upset, but wouldn’t hesitate to cut any ties.  So now he has blocked me from Facebook as that is the only route that my sister in law has to him and his partner. I want to zap her but that wouldn’t be at all useful whilst I am getting divorced from hub.  If she takes it into her head to mention it to him it could be very bad news indeed.

I hate that I am talking about things like some chav but I am so angry at what she has done, and actually more so because that I thought we had a friendship.  It seems to have been a friendship of convenience.  I was there for her when her marriage was seemingly over and without meddling, being opinionated etc.  Is it any surprise that people end up bitter and twisted and not able to trust anyone!  Seems not!  I don’t want to be that way however, so expressing these feelings and getting them out is ultimately for my future relationship health!

I must learn to be more discreet however, and a little choosier over who I consider close friends.  We’ll see how Nathan reacts in the longer term but so far he seems to be balanced about it and is electing not to respond – totally the right line to take in my opinion – who needs a slanging match! 

Am not relishing my next contact with her as until I’m divorced it will have to be 2-faced in approach – totally not my style.  Am very disappointed that she chose this day – the baby’s birth day, to send such an email.